Monday, September 27, 2004
Subdued
After a weekend of partying I feel somewhat subdued. Not sure why it is, but I couldn’t sleep, and when I did I kept waking up at intervals of about an hour. I’ve been like this since Friday night and I don’t know why. I feel restless and knocked off centre.
This feeling accompanied me to work as well. I’m not stressed by work, just totally unsatisfied and unmotivated. With everything that is happening in my writing career, the spotlight really is on what ISN’T happening in the office and the feelings of useless time wasting become larger and concentrated. I really, really, really wish I had done a lot of things differently. I wish I had gone to University away from home but I never. I wish I had done and Art course but I never. I wish I had travelled but I never. I wish I were able to walk out of this place forever and never look back. If it was even remotely enjoyable it might be more bearable, but my frustration is manifesting itself in my grumpiness when I walk into the place. I know I am not very accommodating to the users we support when they ask stupid questions, and I try not to let this happen. But I am aware it does. I also find it hard to move out of this mode to being normal again when I leave, and this is often picked up on by Gail. It’s a Catch 22, and also true to say that I only work here because I have to. I don’t live to work; I work to live. I just want to do the work I want – and that is to write.
This feeling accompanied me to work as well. I’m not stressed by work, just totally unsatisfied and unmotivated. With everything that is happening in my writing career, the spotlight really is on what ISN’T happening in the office and the feelings of useless time wasting become larger and concentrated. I really, really, really wish I had done a lot of things differently. I wish I had gone to University away from home but I never. I wish I had done and Art course but I never. I wish I had travelled but I never. I wish I were able to walk out of this place forever and never look back. If it was even remotely enjoyable it might be more bearable, but my frustration is manifesting itself in my grumpiness when I walk into the place. I know I am not very accommodating to the users we support when they ask stupid questions, and I try not to let this happen. But I am aware it does. I also find it hard to move out of this mode to being normal again when I leave, and this is often picked up on by Gail. It’s a Catch 22, and also true to say that I only work here because I have to. I don’t live to work; I work to live. I just want to do the work I want – and that is to write.
Colin 1:02 pm
1 Comments:
Keep the chin up. Your chance will come.
