Freedom From The Mundane - A Writer's Blog

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Breaking Toilets

Our new fridge freezer arrived this morning. I took the morning off to take delivery of the tall silver metallic object now sitting in the centre of the kitchen. It looks like an alien ship, like the seamless one out of The Day The Earth Stood Still, except it's not round and able to levitate.

Soon, it will be populated with a new breed of lettuce and processed cheeses. Soon, intelligent life will breed and grow within its secret walls and extra-terrestrial life can be studied at close quarters by mad scientists with weird haircuts. Or perhaps I'll just wipe off the spilt Irn-Bru and throw the mouldy tomatoes in the bin.

The rain has stopped and with it my connection with nature's finest resource. The sun is out, though it is still nippy in the air and deepest autumn is slowly rolling towards us. Very soon the leaves will begin to fall and all the hidden birds nests will be revealed for miles around.

Which reminds me; remember last year around this time I told you about the picture I took from my old bedroom window when I still lived with my parents. It was of a solitary blackbird sitting in a winter tree looking around for a friend and some food. The bird was there every year - at least I think it was the same bird - and I grew to be it's pal, putting out food for it and keeping it close to the house.

I was going to scan the picture and display it on this bog but I couldn't find it. Well, during the course of unpacking all my gear into my new office, I found the picture. It's as beautiful as it was when I took it and the wee bird, who I never gave a name, still sites proudly in its tree. I will post the picture soon, once we hit deepest autumn and the mood is right.


Police officers were called to an Edinburgh office today, after reports that the serial toilet breaker of last year, had returned.

It is feared the man dubbed 'The Loo Roller' has returned to wreak yet more havoc on an unsuspecting workforce, just having recovered from the last spate of attacks late last year.

It is thought The Loo Roller sneaks undetected into the male toilets on the first floor of the swanky Edinburgh office, drops his trousers and sits on the pan, at which point the toilet seat itself splits open leaving a small, but dangerous crack.

One witness who wishes to remain anonymous told us, "It's all a terrible shock. We thought he'd done his worst but it looks like he's come back for more. Some of the people who work here are in terrible distress. It's a bum rap because they can't seem to catch the guy who's doing this."

Health and Safety officials at the company have advised staff not to use any broken toilet seats as they risk serious injury to their posterior and pride. Staff who witnessed the broken seat have been offered counselling and been given time off with full pay to recover.

Police have issued an appeal for anyone who should see a man, possibly with a large build and walking with a slight impairment or sitting balanced on one cheek of their bottom, not to approach him, but to call the Loo Roller Hotline number immediately.

We shall now return you to your normal programming.

I spent the night working on the finer details of Fringe Fantastic. All the images and title graphics are now done, the whole thing proof-read and ready to go. I decided at the last minute to add in a new section of notes, which mostly explains some of the Scottish terms and definitions used throughout. I want it to be as complete and understandable as possible.

Mik and Lara did this so I couldn't resist - again.

Three Names You Go By:
1. Chas
2. Mr.G
3. Collywobbles

Three Parts Of Your Heritage:
1. English
2. Lunatic
3. Asylum

Three Things That Scare You:
1. Dying young
2. Losing my family
3. The Scottish Executive banning drinking

Three Of Your Everyday Essentials:
1. Coffee
2. A good scratch of my bollocks
3. Daylight

Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Jeans
2. T-shirt
3. Baffies (slippers)

Three of Your Favourite Bands or Musical Artists (at the moment):
1. Madness
2. Dogs Die In Hot Cars
3. Dead 60's

Three of Your Favourite Songs - at the moment:
1. I Predict A Riot (The Kaiser Chiefs)
2. You're Beautiful (James Blunt)
3. Voodoo People (The Prodigy)

Three Things You Want In A Relationship (other than Real Love):
1. Olympic sex
2. Lots of laughs
3. Trust

Two Truths And A Lie (can you guess which is the lie???):
1. I drowned six kittens in a Loch for money
2. I once burnt down the Scottish Homes HQ in Glasgow
3. I was shot at by a farmer, who disliked my treatment of his haystacks

Three PHYSICAL Things About The Opposite Sex That Appeal To You:
1. Ass
2. Eyes
3. Breasts

Three Of Your Favourite Hobbies:
1. Talking
2. Drinking
3. Going to gigs

Three Things You Want To Do Really Badly Right Now:
1. Go to bed
2. Go on holiday
3. Go to Clark's

Three Places You Want to go on Vacation:
1. Canada
2. Alaska
3. Kenya

Three Ways That You Are Stereotypically A Chick/Guy:
1. I hate shopping
2. Grumpy in the morning
3. I think farts are funny

Three Things You Do Daily:
1. Check my email
2. Drink a coffee
3. Wish I had more time

Three people I Would Like To See Take This Quiz:
1. Boris Johnson
2. Suggs
3. Her Majesty The Queen
Colin 11:27 pm


OMG, I can't stop laughing! You have such a way with words and are so funny! "A bum rap" almost did me in. Thanks for sending me off to work in a better mood!
HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! I love it!
By the way, my stainless steel fridge will be arriving any day now too. Funky, aren't they?

Heeheeeheee! Do it again! Do it again!
Colin, you are so funny! I feel I know you so well now. LOL

Add a comment